The Last Day of the Year

The last and finally day of 2008 and I'm excited about the next year. The next year is going to be wonderful, I can just see it. I'm ready to get started on this new journey that life will take me on. I'm so happy with the year I had. This year has been filled with wonderful to me and my family. I just know that the next year is going to be more than I can express. I just want life to carry me what I need to go. Every year I have resolutions, but this year I don't have resolutions I have goals. So this is to the new year with my family and my family to be.

One more day

Well the time has come for me to finally think about what goals I want to accomplish this next year. Everyone does resolutions, I look at mine as goals to continue and new goals to be accomplished. The first goal is to just accept life and what ever it brings. I've been doing good on that so far. I just have to keep at it. It is hard when you want and want so much more but then you are not seeing what you have in front of you and what you could do with that. Second goal is to have a baby. I have about more months of trying to have a baby in '09. But even I do become pregnant and don't have a baby until '10 I'm happy as long as I have one. Third one is to just continue enjoying life. Living for the moment and not in the past or too much in the future. I can hardly believe that 2009 is right around the corner. It seems just like yesterday I was college, I was in GA, and I met my soulmate. And now it's about to be 2009. I will be 29 this up coming year and looking forward to it. I still can't believe how fast time has gone by. Well I'll be back tomorrow to write my finally thoughts about 2009.

Starting my countdown....

Well around this time I start my countdown on looking back on the year and thinking about what I want to do in the new year. It's hard to believe at times that with the start of the new year. Orlando and I have been together for 4 years and married for a year. Everyday I wake up and just am amazed at the relationship we have. I think about the past and how I never thought that I would get married and how my longest real relationship was like 6 months. I just thought I wouldn't find anyone that I wanted to stay with for a long time. Then Orlando came and my life as I knew it was over. I'm so happy and content with life and him that nothing is stopping me. Now on to my countdown. This year has been a year. I love my life and my husband, but the one thing that I would like the most is to become a mother. We have been trying for one year. And hopefully soon I will be a mother. I'm just so stressed most of the time and just want things to happen when I want it to happen. This TTC journey has shown me alot of things that I want and probably need to work on. For one the stress. Orlando always tries to help me not be stressed, but I'm just so use to being stressed. Well I realized that the stress is causing me to get sick more and the stress is not good for me TTCing so now I'm taking his advice. I'm really proud of the fact that this summer I just relaxed and wasn't stressing. It's like I have this whole new world now that I have reduced my stress. I'm enjoying my life and not getting as sick. The other things is just being patient. I like everything right now and that didn't happen for me to be a mom. So I'm having to just let things happen. I took a TTC break for about 3-4 months so that I could get everything together with myself. Now that I'm trying again it just feels so relaxed and calm. I'm not thinking negative about anything and I'm reading about things to help me understand and know what else I can do. I know that I will have to probably take some type of medicine to help me which I don't mind, because I know sometimes you need extra help. But now I'm starting to think about goals for next year. Of course one of the goals is to be a mom. The other goal is to keep enjoying life and relax. Orlando says I don't know how to relax and he is right. But I'm learning to relax. And want to enjoy married life even more. This next year it's all about me. I have been doing for others and pleasing others and now it's time for me to do for me and my family. Well that is it for today.

Positive Positive Posistive

Well today is my 3rd day taking soy. I have 2 more days to take soy. I hope that I ovulate around the time I would if I was taking clomid. But the one thing that I'm doing this time is thinking positive. Keeping an open mind and just clearing the mind of all my worries and stress. I have to start being positive and stop thinking negative. I use to be so positive when I was younger. As I got older I just didn't think nothing good would happen to me. Until I met my husband. He has brought so much good and positive thoughts to my life, yet I still think negative. I still do the what if's and I still think that something bad or something will never happen. I'm so use to something not happening. But, now that I'm trying to have a baby. I can't think like I have always thought. I can't just say let me have a baby. I have to prove to myself that I am ready for everything that I say I want. I have get my mind to be with my body as one. Right now I'm probably closer to that than I have ever been. I see the future with my mind but then my mind does nothing to help my body get the word. Well this time I'm going full speed and I'm not stopping until I have a baby. I'm trying alot of differnet things that I feel has helped me in the past and like always it will help with this. The one thing I'm most proud of is the fact that I have a husband to help me through all of this. Even though at times he doesn't understand exactly why I do something or why I must do it this way. He supports me and that is all I need.

A time to reflect

I always sit and start to reflect my life around this time of the year. I sit and think about what I want to change if anything and where will I start. This year has been some year. I have had some ups and downs but mostly ups. I'm enjoying married life, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My downs are the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. It's funny you grow up and have everything thought out and then you get curve balls. I'm ready for what ever God has planned, to some it doesn't make sense that I say that and use fertility drugs and things like that. But I do use them to help my body and I know God will bless us with a child one day and I'm just preparing for it. This year has been a growing experience for me. I have seen me have days that I thought would never happen. I have seen myself do things that I know ain't me. The funny thing is, when I do things that ain't me I haunt myself with them until it drives me crazy. Instead of just saying okay I made a mistake or that isn't me and just moving on. I feel that I need to punish myself if no one does. That is sad I know but, now I realize that it is something I need to work on. I need to take life for what it is for. I need to stop living in the past and live for now. Which I'm enjoying right now. There are moments when I just can't believe that I am the person that I am. The little Tasha I knew isn't little anymore. I'm grown and have all these emotions and passions for different things. I'm just so happy that my husband supports me so much in whatever I want to do and he doesn't complain (well not to me). But I love him dearly. Everyday I just look at him and think that I'm dreaming. He is my other half and without him I'm just half empty. But as this historic year come to an end, I do know a couple things that must change. My attitude towards myself has got to change. I have to start thinking positive. Another thing I must change is just relaxing. Sounds easy, but for me relaxing was doing work. But at the same time working stresses me. And stress isn't good all the time. Another thing I must change is to just don't worry about the big stuff. Do what I can do and let that be it. If people don't like it then that is too bad. These are all things that I feel I'm already starting to change, and once they are complete my family will be complete.

This cycle I hope for the best. I hope that what we have been wanting for some time now happens. I hope that I do get pregnant and that we finally start our family.

Starting this journey

In about 3 days it will be my 1st wedding anniversary. And I'm still not pregnant with our first child. I knew that this would be hard for me since I have irregular cycles, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I have been trying for a year now and nothing yet. I'm not going to give up because I know that I will have a baby in due time. I took a break from trying so hard and now I'm back on the wagon. I had to take provera to start my cycle and yesterday was my last day taking that. So my period should be here anyday now. I just hope that everything works out and I feel like it will. I just have this feeling that something good has to come our way besides our relationship. It's only right for us to start having our own family. I love hearing stories about other people, but I want to be able to tell stories too. I try not to get myself down about it, it's just since I have found my soulmate all I have wanted to do is to have our children. This is something that I thought about even before we got married. I knew that this road would be hard but then when I found out that I have PCOS I was glad and upset. I have found many other women who are like me and most have at least one child and are trying for another. I just feel sometimes I make things harder than what it needs to be. The break I took did help me realize that I'm too stressful so much that I need to really relax and enjoy life a bit more. Which I have been doing. I'm trying and trying but for some reason that little girl that always told me that I'm being punished for something bad keeps coming back. I know that might sound weird, but growing up for me wasn't easy on me. I'm not saying I had a rough childhood but I did go through things I wish I hadn't. Now as an adult I have to deal and relate to a whole new world. But having a baby would be the best for me. I try to be really happy for others when they tell me that they are pregnant but then I just smile and think why couldn't it be me. I'm ready and able to get pregnant but I know that it takes a lot more than that now a days. Especially with PCOS, I have heard all types of stories and things I could try. But I don't know I just want it to happen naturally and by surprise. But with me monitoring my body I'm noticing things that I didn't notice before and it's great to now know what it feels like to ovulate. Which I don't do very often since I didn't get regular cycles. I'm excited that I'm about to start this journey into motherhood and I'm ready for whatever comes my way. I just know that something special will happen soon for me and Orlando.

Babies....Babies

This year is almost over with and I don't have a child yet. At the beginning of this journey to get pregnant. I just knew it was going to be hard. I kept telling Orlando that it will take me forever to get pregnant. #1 because I don't have regular cycles and that was the main thing. I had done enough research to know that with out a cycle I really couldn't get pregnant. Then I started the temping thing around Jan. still no cycle. But I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I just knew that something else has to be going on to cause me not to have a period. So my dr. put me on provera to start my cycle again around Feb/Mar. I had a cycle but that was it. I didn't ovulate or get another cycle after that. So she decided I needed to have a vaginal ultrasound. At this time I had been doing research after research and research. I joined groups and they were all positive and friendly and they really helped since Orlando thinks it will just happen. Now let me tell you a little about my husband. He isn't like every one else. He stays positive. But at this point I was upset with the fact that he didn't listen to me when I said without a cycle I can't really try. To him it will just happen. And to most females it does just happen. With my mom it just happened. But with me I knew my body. It wasn't going to just happen over night. Friends told me just to have sex more and do this and that. But they don't know my body like I know my body. So after the vaginal ultrasound my dr. saw I had polycyst on my ovaries. Funny thing is that I had been doing research on polycyst and PCOS and thought that maybe that is what is going on. Well she put me on provera to start the cycle and also gave me clomid. Well I was excited because I just wanted something to happen. So I tempt and took the medicine and low and behold I did have a cycle and I ovulated too. Happy that this happened I was still upset that I didn't get pregnant. So I tried the clomid for 2 more cycles and by this time school is about to start again. And still no pregnancy. I was starting to really doubt myself and I was hoping that something positive would happen. Well in Aug. I decided to take a break so that maybe I can regroup myself. Can't believe that I have almost spent a whole year trying. So now that my break is over and I've done even more research about ways to help me relax and be stressfree so that I can get pregnant, I still have that voice in the back of my head telling me that this could take awhile. Orlando still thinks it will just happen. But I know that it is going to take me doing some work and taking pills to help my body become what some would say "Regular". I'm happy that I'm more relaxed but trying to have a baby is stressful. Especially if you know that your body has some slight curves in it. You have to learn new tricks to get your body to understand what you want. I have always been in turn with my body and for that reason I really know that my body is trying to help me but it's been without a cycle for so long. It doesn't know what it is suppose to be like.

Well Wednesday I will go to the dr. now that I'm ready to try again and I hope I get more positive news about my body. I really think it's just me and not Orlando and me. But I know if nothing happens soon he will have to go the dr. and get tested as well. Hopefully something special will happen to us just like the first time we met.

November 20, 2008

Well this year is slowly coming to an end. I just sit back and think about this past year. It has been a wonderful and a trying year for me. One of the saddest things is the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm still hopeful that it will happen when God wants me to be pregnant. But the waiting for me is what gets me. Because it seems like everyone else all they have to do is think about it and it happens. To be honest, I'm use to having to try harder than everyone else. I was just hoping that I wouldn't have to do that with this. But like always I feel like I'm the one left behind. It's like I'm all alone again. The feeling of when I was younger and didn't or couldn't do like others. It's like when I was in high school I had to work hard in getting guys to even think of me as a girlfriend. And now I'm having to work hard in getting pregnant. I'm kinda tired of some people saying just have sex 3 times a day or just have sex every other day. I have tried all of that and it didn't work. I know that getting pregnant can be difficult for women, especially women like me that don't get a regular cycle. I want to think positive about it but then every time I turn around I see someone that is pregnant or some that just had a baby and I just get depressed and sad. I'm happy for everyone that has kids but at the same time. Having children has been the one dream that I decided to wait on. It's a dream I knew would come with the right person. And now that I'm with the right person I really want it to happen. I sit and think am I being selfish about having a baby now. I think one minute that I need to have a baby and the next that having a baby will be too much for me.