Babies....Babies

This year is almost over with and I don't have a child yet. At the beginning of this journey to get pregnant. I just knew it was going to be hard. I kept telling Orlando that it will take me forever to get pregnant. #1 because I don't have regular cycles and that was the main thing. I had done enough research to know that with out a cycle I really couldn't get pregnant. Then I started the temping thing around Jan. still no cycle. But I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I just knew that something else has to be going on to cause me not to have a period. So my dr. put me on provera to start my cycle again around Feb/Mar. I had a cycle but that was it. I didn't ovulate or get another cycle after that. So she decided I needed to have a vaginal ultrasound. At this time I had been doing research after research and research. I joined groups and they were all positive and friendly and they really helped since Orlando thinks it will just happen. Now let me tell you a little about my husband. He isn't like every one else. He stays positive. But at this point I was upset with the fact that he didn't listen to me when I said without a cycle I can't really try. To him it will just happen. And to most females it does just happen. With my mom it just happened. But with me I knew my body. It wasn't going to just happen over night. Friends told me just to have sex more and do this and that. But they don't know my body like I know my body. So after the vaginal ultrasound my dr. saw I had polycyst on my ovaries. Funny thing is that I had been doing research on polycyst and PCOS and thought that maybe that is what is going on. Well she put me on provera to start the cycle and also gave me clomid. Well I was excited because I just wanted something to happen. So I tempt and took the medicine and low and behold I did have a cycle and I ovulated too. Happy that this happened I was still upset that I didn't get pregnant. So I tried the clomid for 2 more cycles and by this time school is about to start again. And still no pregnancy. I was starting to really doubt myself and I was hoping that something positive would happen. Well in Aug. I decided to take a break so that maybe I can regroup myself. Can't believe that I have almost spent a whole year trying. So now that my break is over and I've done even more research about ways to help me relax and be stressfree so that I can get pregnant, I still have that voice in the back of my head telling me that this could take awhile. Orlando still thinks it will just happen. But I know that it is going to take me doing some work and taking pills to help my body become what some would say "Regular". I'm happy that I'm more relaxed but trying to have a baby is stressful. Especially if you know that your body has some slight curves in it. You have to learn new tricks to get your body to understand what you want. I have always been in turn with my body and for that reason I really know that my body is trying to help me but it's been without a cycle for so long. It doesn't know what it is suppose to be like.

Well Wednesday I will go to the dr. now that I'm ready to try again and I hope I get more positive news about my body. I really think it's just me and not Orlando and me. But I know if nothing happens soon he will have to go the dr. and get tested as well. Hopefully something special will happen to us just like the first time we met.

November 20, 2008

Well this year is slowly coming to an end. I just sit back and think about this past year. It has been a wonderful and a trying year for me. One of the saddest things is the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm still hopeful that it will happen when God wants me to be pregnant. But the waiting for me is what gets me. Because it seems like everyone else all they have to do is think about it and it happens. To be honest, I'm use to having to try harder than everyone else. I was just hoping that I wouldn't have to do that with this. But like always I feel like I'm the one left behind. It's like I'm all alone again. The feeling of when I was younger and didn't or couldn't do like others. It's like when I was in high school I had to work hard in getting guys to even think of me as a girlfriend. And now I'm having to work hard in getting pregnant. I'm kinda tired of some people saying just have sex 3 times a day or just have sex every other day. I have tried all of that and it didn't work. I know that getting pregnant can be difficult for women, especially women like me that don't get a regular cycle. I want to think positive about it but then every time I turn around I see someone that is pregnant or some that just had a baby and I just get depressed and sad. I'm happy for everyone that has kids but at the same time. Having children has been the one dream that I decided to wait on. It's a dream I knew would come with the right person. And now that I'm with the right person I really want it to happen. I sit and think am I being selfish about having a baby now. I think one minute that I need to have a baby and the next that having a baby will be too much for me.