I'm so ready for this new journey

I'm ready to be a mother and to add to my family. Why isn't my body ready for the same thing. It seems like every month I just do what my mom use to do to me. Set me up for a disappointment. I'm ready for this new journey why must it take so long. I sit and read about women who have been trying and trying. Then the get pregnant and I sit and wonder what the hell am I doing wrong. I'm ready...I'm ready for the late nights, crying, the changing of pampers, the I hate you mom, the struggles in school. I'm ready for all of that. Why is it taking me so long to be a mother. I sit and read and try my hardest to do what is right and yet still I have no child. I'm ready. The advice that some give me, I don't like. It's like they make it sound so easy and it isn't that easy. I want this child more than anything right now. I have be praying for a child since Oct. 2005 and it is 2009. I believe that it is my time. I'm ready. All I can think about is how ready I am to have a child this year. Their are women that have babies every day that don't need them or don't want them. Here I am ready to have a baby and ready for what ever comes along with it. I know my dad sometimes can't believe that I want a baby and he may even think that I'm not ready, but I know that I am ready. Orlando is ready. I'm ready... So what is the problem. All I want is to have a child. To be a mother is the most special and unique feeling any woman will feel. I see that as a teach. I love my students. And I just want to have one of my own. A child that is mine. A child that is a mixture of Orlando and I. A child that will always be my child no matter what. A child that I can share with my family. The feeling of watching my own child sleeping. The feeling of knowing that my child is special. Motherhood has always been something that I wanted for a long time. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and to give birth to a child that is me. I found my soulmate and now I just want to complete the circle. While it takes very little for some to get pregnant it feels like it is taking a lifetime for me to give birth to a baby that is part me and him. This past year of me trying to understand what I need to do I still feel lost. I feel that I'm just in limbo. I am ready to have a baby. I'm so ready to give birth and feel my own child. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, it just feels that way at time. This whole month I kept believing that this was the month. I stayed more positive than I have ever been this past year. Then today I sat and realized that it isn't this month. Taking test and just hoping isn't helping either. I know God will allow me to be pregnant when it believes that I need to be. I believe God has the plan all figured out. I just want to know when is it going to be my time. When is it going to be my time to be a mother. To have a child call me mom. When will it be my time to hold a baby and know that this is mine. I sit and imagine what it could feel like but I can't. I just want to be a mother. I want that feeling more than anything right now. I feel like it's my time to share and feel what so many other women feel. I'm ready for the challenges and the happiness. I'm ready for pains and joys. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to get pregnant and feel another human in my stomach. I'm ready to give birth and hold the future of our world. I'm ready for this new journey into motherhood. I'm ready to carry the world on my shoulders and know that one day my child will be somebody. I'm ready to add to my family. I'm ready for the cries and smiles of my own child. I'm so ready for this journey into motherhood.

The Secret

Lately I have been pondering on a different approach to life. I have always been know to be the positive person in the family. Then about 7 years ago I changed to a person who just let things go and wasn't very positive to anything. Then 5 years ago on New Years Day which was 2004 I made up my mind that I wanted to meet my soul mate the person who would be my better half. I started writing a list of what I wanted in a man and a relationship. Well New Years Day of 2005 I spent the most romantic day with a special man I met just the day before. Now we are married and have been together ever since. Not knowing that thinking positive is what got me to where I am now. I'm starting to go back to the way I was and thinking of what I want to complish. I'm not setting a deadline just letting myself know where I need to be. I thought that I was being truthful about having a baby last year. But I wasn't, this year I have started off good. I'm thinking about having a baby everyday every waking minute or spare minute I have. I'm looking at furniture. I'm also looking at houses. The two things I want is a new house and a baby. I feel that all of it will happen in it's due time. But I have to give my all to help it happen. I can't just imagine and it and do nothing. I have to have the drive to want it, the heart that I had when I was younger. It's weird that when I was younger I always dreamed of just being happy and writing and teaching. I didn't let nothing get in the way I felt. Now I must do the same thing. When I'm more positive about the situation it seems to help me through alot more in life.

The Last Day of the Year

The last and finally day of 2008 and I'm excited about the next year. The next year is going to be wonderful, I can just see it. I'm ready to get started on this new journey that life will take me on. I'm so happy with the year I had. This year has been filled with wonderful to me and my family. I just know that the next year is going to be more than I can express. I just want life to carry me what I need to go. Every year I have resolutions, but this year I don't have resolutions I have goals. So this is to the new year with my family and my family to be.

One more day

Well the time has come for me to finally think about what goals I want to accomplish this next year. Everyone does resolutions, I look at mine as goals to continue and new goals to be accomplished. The first goal is to just accept life and what ever it brings. I've been doing good on that so far. I just have to keep at it. It is hard when you want and want so much more but then you are not seeing what you have in front of you and what you could do with that. Second goal is to have a baby. I have about more months of trying to have a baby in '09. But even I do become pregnant and don't have a baby until '10 I'm happy as long as I have one. Third one is to just continue enjoying life. Living for the moment and not in the past or too much in the future. I can hardly believe that 2009 is right around the corner. It seems just like yesterday I was college, I was in GA, and I met my soulmate. And now it's about to be 2009. I will be 29 this up coming year and looking forward to it. I still can't believe how fast time has gone by. Well I'll be back tomorrow to write my finally thoughts about 2009.

Starting my countdown....

Well around this time I start my countdown on looking back on the year and thinking about what I want to do in the new year. It's hard to believe at times that with the start of the new year. Orlando and I have been together for 4 years and married for a year. Everyday I wake up and just am amazed at the relationship we have. I think about the past and how I never thought that I would get married and how my longest real relationship was like 6 months. I just thought I wouldn't find anyone that I wanted to stay with for a long time. Then Orlando came and my life as I knew it was over. I'm so happy and content with life and him that nothing is stopping me. Now on to my countdown. This year has been a year. I love my life and my husband, but the one thing that I would like the most is to become a mother. We have been trying for one year. And hopefully soon I will be a mother. I'm just so stressed most of the time and just want things to happen when I want it to happen. This TTC journey has shown me alot of things that I want and probably need to work on. For one the stress. Orlando always tries to help me not be stressed, but I'm just so use to being stressed. Well I realized that the stress is causing me to get sick more and the stress is not good for me TTCing so now I'm taking his advice. I'm really proud of the fact that this summer I just relaxed and wasn't stressing. It's like I have this whole new world now that I have reduced my stress. I'm enjoying my life and not getting as sick. The other things is just being patient. I like everything right now and that didn't happen for me to be a mom. So I'm having to just let things happen. I took a TTC break for about 3-4 months so that I could get everything together with myself. Now that I'm trying again it just feels so relaxed and calm. I'm not thinking negative about anything and I'm reading about things to help me understand and know what else I can do. I know that I will have to probably take some type of medicine to help me which I don't mind, because I know sometimes you need extra help. But now I'm starting to think about goals for next year. Of course one of the goals is to be a mom. The other goal is to keep enjoying life and relax. Orlando says I don't know how to relax and he is right. But I'm learning to relax. And want to enjoy married life even more. This next year it's all about me. I have been doing for others and pleasing others and now it's time for me to do for me and my family. Well that is it for today.

Positive Positive Posistive

Well today is my 3rd day taking soy. I have 2 more days to take soy. I hope that I ovulate around the time I would if I was taking clomid. But the one thing that I'm doing this time is thinking positive. Keeping an open mind and just clearing the mind of all my worries and stress. I have to start being positive and stop thinking negative. I use to be so positive when I was younger. As I got older I just didn't think nothing good would happen to me. Until I met my husband. He has brought so much good and positive thoughts to my life, yet I still think negative. I still do the what if's and I still think that something bad or something will never happen. I'm so use to something not happening. But, now that I'm trying to have a baby. I can't think like I have always thought. I can't just say let me have a baby. I have to prove to myself that I am ready for everything that I say I want. I have get my mind to be with my body as one. Right now I'm probably closer to that than I have ever been. I see the future with my mind but then my mind does nothing to help my body get the word. Well this time I'm going full speed and I'm not stopping until I have a baby. I'm trying alot of differnet things that I feel has helped me in the past and like always it will help with this. The one thing I'm most proud of is the fact that I have a husband to help me through all of this. Even though at times he doesn't understand exactly why I do something or why I must do it this way. He supports me and that is all I need.

A time to reflect

I always sit and start to reflect my life around this time of the year. I sit and think about what I want to change if anything and where will I start. This year has been some year. I have had some ups and downs but mostly ups. I'm enjoying married life, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My downs are the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. It's funny you grow up and have everything thought out and then you get curve balls. I'm ready for what ever God has planned, to some it doesn't make sense that I say that and use fertility drugs and things like that. But I do use them to help my body and I know God will bless us with a child one day and I'm just preparing for it. This year has been a growing experience for me. I have seen me have days that I thought would never happen. I have seen myself do things that I know ain't me. The funny thing is, when I do things that ain't me I haunt myself with them until it drives me crazy. Instead of just saying okay I made a mistake or that isn't me and just moving on. I feel that I need to punish myself if no one does. That is sad I know but, now I realize that it is something I need to work on. I need to take life for what it is for. I need to stop living in the past and live for now. Which I'm enjoying right now. There are moments when I just can't believe that I am the person that I am. The little Tasha I knew isn't little anymore. I'm grown and have all these emotions and passions for different things. I'm just so happy that my husband supports me so much in whatever I want to do and he doesn't complain (well not to me). But I love him dearly. Everyday I just look at him and think that I'm dreaming. He is my other half and without him I'm just half empty. But as this historic year come to an end, I do know a couple things that must change. My attitude towards myself has got to change. I have to start thinking positive. Another thing I must change is just relaxing. Sounds easy, but for me relaxing was doing work. But at the same time working stresses me. And stress isn't good all the time. Another thing I must change is to just don't worry about the big stuff. Do what I can do and let that be it. If people don't like it then that is too bad. These are all things that I feel I'm already starting to change, and once they are complete my family will be complete.

This cycle I hope for the best. I hope that what we have been wanting for some time now happens. I hope that I do get pregnant and that we finally start our family.